陰陽人*
陰
and once I was born
small, tiny, wrapped up in pink bows
a hospital room folklore
a womanhood I never asked to inherit
I mean to say:
I am nobody’s daughter
Ma’s womb a wound
that birthed out a black hole
a gender fucked thing
that swallows all the goodness in the room
陽
and once I refused to shave my body hair
Ma hurled a razor at my head
I picked it up off the floor
almost used it to cut something else open
she means to say:
she already has a son
she says this in the way
she pours me chrysanthemum tea and
buys me blouses and asks about my boyfriend
who is not my boyfriend
my partner is 陰陽人 too
人
I say queer
I say non binary
all words for such a heavy sliceable body
they squirm on my tongue
make a choked sound on the way out of my mouth
I mean to say:
I don’t always feel daughter
I mean to say:
I don’t always feel son
don’t even feel like a body most of the time
陰陽人
my gender still loves Ma
even if she does not love it back
even if she does not have the words for it
I don’t always have the words for it either
—
* yin yang person or person with feminine (yin) and masculine (yang) qualities or gender nonconforming
Lin Pang is a queer Asian American poet, teaching artist, and youth worker based in Boston. They are a Virgo who loves autumn, dark lipstick, and tenderness.
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