HONEYCOMB TRAUMA
there’s this kid,
sometimes he screams in the middle of the night
and-
fuck it i can’t make this poetic
fuck it i’m not going to try anymore
so there’s this kid who’s afraid of his father,
of the threatening figure he imposes,
of the way his father never raises his voice but looks a second away
from breaking something
there’s this kid,
gentle, quiet, nine years old
a nice kid by all accounts
if you disregard the PTSD from his father
he could almost pass for normal
instead his classmates trigger meltdowns and he
isn’t sure what to do anymore
he just wants to be alright
he just wants to be normal
he wants-
fuck it
i’m gonna be honest with you here
trauma isn’t something that just disappears
it sticks like honey, like tar trapped on your body
it sinks into your veins and makes a home
out of your bones, settles in like bees in a hive
thousands of acres of honeycomb trapped in your body
you buzz like a bumble bee
a survivor looking for salvation
you’ll find in it honey, the smell of your grandmothers perfume
the weight of your purse in your hand and
in your mothers anger over what
has been done to you
you find it in science, in math, in the way set rules govern numbers and the universe
but there isn’t a formula, no scientific law that can explain what your father did to you
you try to make one anyway.
shitty kid + stressed parent = abuse
or shitty kid + parent = abuse
or-
no, that’s enough, there isn’t a formula for the reasons he chose to hit you,
it was senseless, an act of violence made reality,
this isn’t a dream, you can’t wake up
it doesn’t make sense
violence never does
so-
there’s this kid
he’s 18 now
barely illegal
and almost ten years later
he thinks he’s going to be okay
healing is an art form, made of knives and splinters
there are no roses here, we forgot them at the florist
walk on that tight rope, jump through fire
you’ll be stronger for it
Keith J. Castillo is a nonbinary autistic poet currently living in Alberta, Canada. He prefers he/his pronouns and is never without a book. You can find him on twitter at @nonbinarybird.
2 Comments