“Marriage Material” By: Michael P. Adams

L'amour Diamond Engagement Ring

MARRIAGE MATERIAL
 
Female Questionnaire

 
Today’s Date: 2/5/15
Name: Andrea Barnes
Address: 1721 Argyle Ave. #210 Cell #: 323-928-5381
Los Angeles, CA 90068 Email: modestgenius@gmail.com
 
Birth Date: 11/16/82 Age: 32
Height: 5’5” Weight: 128
Hair Color: Brown Eye Color: Green
 
1. Do you have a nickname?
I don’t have a nickname so much as people always screw up the pronunciation. It’s On-dray-uh, but people always say it like An-dree-uh or On-dree-uh.
 
2. How did you hear about our search?
My girlfriend Traci dragged me along with her today. I told her I didn’t feel like getting up at the ass-crack of dawn to stand in line with a bunch of MAWs—that’s Model, Actress, Whatever, but I’m sure you already know that since you have to deal with them for a living. I feel so sorry for you. Anyway, Traci said she didn’t want to come alone and, being such a dutiful friend, here I am.
 
3. Have you ever applied for the show before? If so, when?
God, no.
 
4. What is your occupation?
Escort services. Just kidding. My day job is an office temp. But I’m really a comedian. I’m playing open mic night at Flappers in Burbank next Tuesday. And I do comedy traffic school sometimes on the weekends.
 
5. What is your annual income?
$28,000
 
6. What is your highest level of education?
I have a few degrees from the old School of Hard Knocks. LOL! In terms of formal education, though, I dropped out of college after my freshman year. School is no place for artistic people. We need to be free. I wasn’t going to find my bliss writing essays and playing with Bunsen burners.
 
7. School(s) attended:
UCLA
 
8. Are you a legal resident of the United States? If not, where are you a legal resident?
Don’t worry, 100% legal. Can you imagine? “I applied to be on a dating show and all I got was a lousy visit from the INS.”
 
9. Where were you born?
Born and raised right here in beautiful Los Angeles, where graffiti and self-delusion can be found around every corner.
 
10. Do you have siblings? How old are they?
Two siblings, Ned and Kim. (Notice how they both got nice monosyllabic names that can only be said one way.) Ned’s the favorite. He’s 36, and a neurosurgeon at Children’s Hospital Oakland. Every time I talk to my parents, they go on and on about what Ned’s been doing: “Ned’s working on a clinical trial that’ll melt brain tumors and make them run right out of people’s ears… Ned’s been asked to go to Washington to discuss federal funding for medical research. He might get to meet the President… Ned’s volunteering with Doctors Without Borders this summer. He’s making such a difference in the world.” Ned’s kind of an asshole, if you ask me. Thinks he’s special just because he’s saved the lives of a few hundred kids. We all know laughter is the best medicine, am I right? Kim’s like 27 or something. I haven’t talked to her in maybe four years. She and her husband moved to South Carolina when their house got foreclosed. We send each other “happy birthday” texts, but that’s the only contact we have. There’s no bad blood between us or anything. We just really don’t have any use for each other. I guess I gave you more information than you asked for.
 
11. Have you ever been arrested, charged, or convicted of a crime of any type? If yes, please give details/dates.
Okay, so maybe I lied about dropping out of college. The truth is I was thrown out after I got arrested for extortion. My roommate and I were in the same statistics class and she started sleeping with the married professor. So fucking cliché! Well, I suck at math and I wasn’t going to let her little sexual escapades influence the curve, so I sent the professor an email saying that I was going to expose him and ruin his life if he didn’t give me an A—and $150,000. In hindsight, email probably wasn’t the best way to deliver the message. I was blinded by youth and the pressures of trying to live up to Ned. Anyway, I batted my eyelashes in court and got probation and community service.
 
12. Have you ever auditioned for or been a performer, participant or contestant on any TV/radio show or film? If yes, please give details/dates.
I tried out for the Star Search revival like ten years ago. And all eight seasons of Last Comic Standing. Never made it past the casting phase.
 
13. Do you drink alcoholic beverages?
Sober five years, two months, and eighteen days.
 
14. What is your favorite drink?
See above. The problem was I never met a drink I didn’t like.
 
15. How many serious relationships have you been in and how long were they? Any marriages or engagements?
My most serious relationship lasted a year-and-a-half, six months of that married. Aside from that, most of my relationships—if you can call them that—top out at around three months. I find myself getting bored so easily. It seems like there are only two types of straight guys left in L.A.: metrosexual or homeless. Call me stuck-up but neither of them appeals to me. What happened to the manly man, the guy who wants to provide for his woman and doesn’t define himself by the number of times he’s gotten his chest waxed?
 
16. If you have been married, why are you no longer together?
One word: hammertoes. Seriously, though, we were young and stupid and acted like that lesbian couple that moves in together after their first date. He and I were doomed from the minute we met, both of us shitfaced at a mutual acquaintance’s 21st birthday party. Our friends tried to tell us we weren’t right for each other. They’d tell us you can’t base a relationship on booze and sex, and we’d laugh because in our minds we were proving them wrong. In truth, we were horrible to each other. I smacked him across the face once for checking out another girl’s ass, and I would nag him about every little thing. It got to the point where I was even annoying myself. He would wrap his hands around my ankles as tight as he could to keep himself from hauling off and hitting me. I allowed it because I knew he needed to take his frustration out on me somehow, and at least I could cover up the bruises with socks. My maid-of-honor tried to reason with me while we were all standing at the altar. I remember her words exactly: “You’ve done some fucked-up things in your life, but if you go through with this, I can’t be your friend anymore.” She held true to that, though I was never sure why she agreed to be in the wedding in the first place. Maybe she thought her place of power would be enough to eventually convince us that the whole thing was a bad idea. Six months later, he was dead. Driving drunk, he ran into a telephone pole. It happened in the middle of one of our fights and might have been on purpose, I don’t know. I was in a coma for a day so the details are a little foggy. No telling how long we would have gone on like that if Death’s sharp sickle hadn’t cut off his head.
 
17. Do you have any children? If yes, please list their names/ages and whether or not they live with you.
No kids that I’m aware of.
 
18. Why do you want to find your spouse on our TV show?
Traci and I talked about this on the drive over this morning. She’s so ready to get married and I totally think you should cast her. I, on the other hand, have no idea if I want to get married again. Wasn’t a ton of fun the first time around. As ridiculous as it sounds, I think meeting someone in a controlled environment like this might actually be beneficial for me. I’ve watched these shows and mocked the contestants: “They can’t expect to find true love in a month’s time surrounded by cameras and cattiness.” But what if it’s not so crazy an idea after all? What if taking the decision out of my hands is the best way for me to find happiness? Maybe it makes sense for me to hand my marital fate over to the reality TV gods.
 
19. Please describe your ideal mate in terms of physical attractiveness and personality.
Physical: Brad Pitt circa Thelma & Louise. Despite what I said before about chest hair, the man looked like an Adonis in that movie.
Personality: Can’t be funnier than I am, prefer that he not be abusive, has a functional relationship with his family.
 
20. What are your hobbies and interests?
Hate-watching Girls. Also, dressage and jazzercise.
 
21. Do you have any special talents?
I’m very good at having sex with strangers. (I checked “midget” and “amputee” off my Fuck-It List during a particularly fruitful March.)
 
22. List three adjectives that would surprise people about you:
Scared
Empathetic
Kind
 
23. Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what and where are they?
No, but I’ve thought about getting the words “Open Sesame” put on my labia. Too gauche?
 
24. What accomplishment are you most proud of?
My sobriety. It took me three tries to get it right. I wonder if, when Ned and Kim call them, my parents swell with pride as they share how long it’s been since I’ve had a drink. My guess is no. I have to be proud enough for all of us.
 
25. What have you not found but would like to have in a relationship?
Peace.

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